Monday, July 2, 2007

What if I Was Honest?

There's a KJ-52 song that really talked to me, it says:
What if I spoke w/ complete honest-ness
What if told you that I’ve broken some promises
I dealt with pride ever since a little kid
I’ve comprised and I’ve doubted like Thomas did
I can’t hide though he sees the way I live
Every single time I told every little fib
I can’t deny cause he’s already knowing this...
I still got issues that’s hard to let go
Still got some bitter situations with a few folks
Still got a temper that I work hard to control
I gotta remember your standard that’s the goal

Can I be honest?
Can I be real?
Would they still just to how I feel?
But if I was honest ?
If I was real?
Would they even care about how I feel?

I’ve wanted to get back at those who tried to doubt me
I’ve wanted to hit back every time they tried to clown me
I’ve said some things about those that tried to down me
I’ve been too hard on some people that’s been around me
I’m a workaholic addicted to the game
Plus sometimes I’ve been addicted to the fame
I look deep inside things that I’m ashamed
Still the little kid conflicted still in pain

I’m so grateful when I think though how you found me
I used to be hateful of everything that’s around me
I’m so thankful of the way that you still surround me
So shameful yet you love me still confounds me
See I’ve put myself first
I’ve gone days sometimes without reading your word
I’ve acted like a huge jerk
Yet you still love me that’s the thing that I’ve learned...
Hindsight is 20/20 so I’m like whatever

But I regret some of my broken relationships
No matter how hard I’ve tried to just make em fit
And I don’t blame myself and I’m not blaming them
But too many up in my life have just came and went
I’m not perfect I serve a God who is
I serve a God who lives who says that I’m his kid
When I shoot for the mark but I shoot and miss
I serve a God who gives a new start and he forgives
And takes every thing I ever did
Then he throws it in the sea of forgetfulness
See I’m just being honest I hope your getting this
Cuz he’s my promise the reason that I live

I struggle with things everyday that no one knows about. Not even my closest friends. This song describes me. There were a few more lines to the song, and they're great, but they don't describe me. I tend to hide behind a smile, to pretend everything is okay, when it isn't. I cry on the inside, and long for someone to know, but how can they? I know God is there, he's the only thing keeping me from myself. I know he cares, he saved me. But, at the same time, I need someone there. And when I think I've hit rock bottom worst, I find that he's pulled me out, and given me the people in my life that I needed. He's always there, always providing for me.

So, what if I was honest? What if I told you that I feel like the hypocrite I am after most of my posts? What if I told you that I struggle everyday with giving everything to God? What if I told you I wanted so bad to do something I knew was so wrong? I'm being honest. I'm being real right now. I struggle everyday. I cry myself to sleep some nights. I long for attention from the people that don't give it to me. I do things for the wrong reasons. Why? Because I'm a sinner. And, yet, you know what? God always forgives, and sets me back on track.

You know how hard it is to write this? Harder than you know. Because, I have a pride problem. I tend to talk down to people, because it makes me feel smart, I guess. I hate to put myself in a bad light. But, you know what I've realized? I can be honest, because God saved me solely because of his wonderful grace. I don't have to care what people think, because my Savior loves me, and that's worth dying for.


TaggTroop said...

You are a precious girl and I am thankful that God has put you into our lives. I appreciate your honesty. Not very many people can do that. You are a very mature young lady. I'm thankful for YOU!!

emy said...

Sarah this is a GREAT post. I think everyone deals with this, and well... I'll talk about it through email or tomorrow.
Luv ya girly,